Understanding toddler tantrums
According to HealthyChildren.org, which is published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, tantrums are a normal part of development. They happen most between ages 1 and 3. Some toddlers have many tantrums, and some have fewer. You cannot avoid every tantrum, but practical steps can help.
Before a tantrum
HealthyChildren.org says to give your child enough attention and to catch them being good. Provide specific praise in successful moments. It also says not to assume that a child who tantrums more than another child is receiving too little attention. Personality is infused in behaviors, including tantrums.
ZERO TO THREE says babies and toddlers have big feelings that they cannot always control. When they have tantrums and act up, they are often showing that they are overwhelmed by feelings and need support. To develop self-control, young children need limits they can understand. Setting boundaries takes time and is learned gradually.
ZERO TO THREE recommends deciding whether a limit is necessary. Be clear on what is important and where you can be flexible. Hitting may be an absolute no, but a mismatched outfit may be okay if the child wants to choose a shirt. Keep rules clear and age-appropriate, and follow through every time.
HealthyChildren.org says consistency from day to day is key in reducing the level and frequency of tantrums. Time also matters. A behavior and boundaries routine can help your family feel more predictable.
Set your child up for success
HealthyChildren.org says to set your child up for success. If tantrums peak when your child is hungry, have a healthy snack with you when you are out of the house. If they peak when your child is fatigued, prioritize sleep or nap time even if you miss things. It also says to give yourself a break when you need it. Take turns with another parent or friend when your frustration escalates.
ZERO TO THREE says routines are especially helpful during the second year because they make children feel secure when they can often feel out of control. It also says to look for patterns. Watch how your child responds in different situations to better understand temperament. Identifying patterns can help you anticipate responses and prepare for challenging situations.
During a tantrum
HealthyChildren.org says that during a tantrum, give your child control over little things. Offer small, directed choices with options rather than yes/no questions. Create distraction. Move to a new room. Offer a safer toy. Sing a song, however silly.
ZERO TO THREE says setting boundaries with toddlers is all about your own self-regulation. Stay calm and present in the face of a tantrum. If you have a big reaction, such as getting angry or yelling, your child is likely to get even more upset. If you are calm, they are more likely to pay attention to what you are saying.
ZERO TO THREE says co-regulation strategies can help you both calm down. Set your limit with as little emotion and as few words as possible. Talk in a quiet, steady voice. Be aware of the messages you send with your face and body. Use simple language, because young children can have a hard time hearing what you are saying when emotions are running high.
ZERO TO THREE says to show you understand feelings while holding the limit. A child’s feelings are not right or wrong. It is how feelings get expressed that can be a problem. Make space for feelings while putting limits on behavior. This can be done calmly and without shame.
When you cannot ignore a tantrum
HealthyChildren.org says there are times when you cannot ignore your child in a tantrum. If your child is physically at risk of running into the street or in danger, grab them tightly and hold them or make it very clear to them. If your child is hitting or biting, stop it immediately and make sure they know it is absolutely not acceptable by moving their body out of a situation or taking away a privilege.
The same guidance says do not ignore behaviors like hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. Have a zero tolerance policy.
ZERO TO THREE says when a child is acting out, one of the most important things you can do is keep calm. Stop the behavior. For example, take your child’s hand firmly but not roughly and tell them, at eye level, “No hitting. Hitting hurts,” in a serious but calm voice. Validate your child’s feelings. Say, “You are angry that Pablo took your toy. It is okay to feel angry. But I will stop you from hitting. Hitting hurts.”
ZERO TO THREE also says to give choices. Tell and show your child what they can do. Teach better ways to direct energy. If you stop the behavior but do not tell them what to do instead, they may keep doing the thing you want them to stop. Tell them they can say “I am mad,” jump up and down, stomp their feet, or hit the sofa cushions.
Time-out and attention
The CDC says young children are motivated by attention from parents. Attention can be positive or negative. If you give your child any attention after a behavior, that behavior is more likely to happen again. Time-out works because it takes away all of your attention and other things your child likes when they misbehave.
According to the CDC, time-out is when your child is removed from where the misbehavior happened. Your child is away from things that are fun. They do not get attention and cannot interact with parents or anyone else. Time-out is boring. The CDC says time-out works to change problem behaviors because children do not usually like to be bored.
The CDC also says time-out is not used for all misbehaviors. Some behaviors, like crying or whining, can be ignored. Distracting your child with a toy or song can help prevent or stop misbehavior. For toddlers and preschoolers, it is a good idea to try distraction and redirection first. If that does not work, consider removing an activity or toy your child likes.
The CDC says time-out may be good for dangerous behavior, such as running in the street; harmful behavior, such as hurting another child; broken family rules; or not following a direction after a warning.
After a tantrum
HealthyChildren.org says tantrums do tend to get better after age 3, although they do not go away entirely. Children normally and naturally have tantrums to get things they need between ages 1 and 3. Talk with your pediatrician if you are concerned about some of those behaviors.
HealthyChildren.org also says to try to remain calm. Use friends and family to help you stand back and wait for tantrums to dissolve, then come back with comfort.
ZERO TO THREE says to look for ways to reconnect with your child after a tantrum. Lay out several favorite books that you might read together. Offer hugs, back rubs, or a hand to hold. It says your role is not to punish your child for the tantrum, because the tantrum was already the result of a disappointment, but to help your child recover from it.
ZERO TO THREE says to use logical consequences. If your child continues to throw blocks, you might say the blocks had to be put away because they were thrown. You can offer a puzzle instead. It also says sometimes nothing works. Sometimes the most helpful thing is to stay by your child’s side until they calm themselves down.
A practical checklist
- Give attention, specific praise, small choices, distraction, and consistency, as HealthyChildren.org says.
- Do not ignore hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing, as HealthyChildren.org says.
- Stay calm, use simple language, and validate feelings while holding limits, as ZERO TO THREE says.
- Use time-out only after considering other steps, as the CDC says.
- Talk with your pediatrician if you are concerned, as HealthyChildren.org says.
For more guidance, see toddler tantrums, toddler tantrums and positive discipline, emotional regulation, and transitions.
Frequently asked questions
When do toddler tantrums usually get better?
HealthyChildren.org says tantrums tend to get better after age 3, although they do not go away entirely.
Should I ignore hitting or biting?
HealthyChildren.org says do not ignore hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. It recommends a zero tolerance policy.
When should I ask for help?
HealthyChildren.org says talk with your pediatrician if you are concerned about behaviors. ZERO TO THREE says many toddlers have difficulty expressing feelings in acceptable ways.
For more information, see the toddler tantrums page.
