Tantrums are one of the hardest parts of the toddler years, and one of the most normal. Toddlers have big feelings, a strong drive for independence and limited language and self-control to manage either. Understanding why tantrums happen makes them easier to prevent and to handle calmly, and positive discipline helps toddlers learn the skills they are missing. This guide draws on the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and ZERO TO THREE, a national early childhood organisation. It is general parenting education, not medical, developmental or psychological advice; talk to your pediatrician about any concerns.
Why toddlers have tantrums
The AAP describes tantrums as a normal part of development, most common between ages 1 and 3, and notes that personality plays a role, so some children have more than others. ZERO TO THREE explains that toddlers are realising they are separate people from their parents and caregivers and want to assert themselves, while their impulse control and language are still developing. Challenging behaviour often means a child cannot yet express feelings in an acceptable way or does not know how to get a need met.
Common triggers include hunger, tiredness, transitions (leaving the park, stopping a game), being told no, frustration with a task and over-stimulation.
Preventing tantrums
The AAP’s prevention advice:
- Give plenty of attention and praise specific good behaviour.
- Be consistent from day to day, which reduces how often and how intensely tantrums happen.
- Plan around hunger and tiredness: bring a healthy snack when out and protect naps and bedtime.
- Choose your battles and know your child’s limits; some days will be harder.
- Take a break when your own frustration builds.
ZERO TO THREE adds practical tools: use visual cues such as timers for waiting, offer a few choices so your child feels in control, and notice patterns in which situations reliably lead to meltdowns so you can prepare. Our toddler routines guide covers predictable days and transitions.
During a tantrum
- Keep everyone safe. Move your child away from danger; stop hitting or throwing straight away (AAP).
- Stay calm. ZERO TO THREE calls this one of the most important things you can do; big emotional reactions from adults can reinforce the behaviour.
- Name the feeling. Put your child’s emotion into words and let them know it is okay to feel that way, while still holding the limit (ZERO TO THREE).
- Redirect or offer limited choices once your child can listen: change rooms, offer a different toy or sing a song; give two acceptable options rather than a yes-or-no question (AAP).
- Do not give in to the demand that triggered the tantrum; wait calmly for it to pass when it is safe to do so (AAP).
- Reconnect afterwards with a hug or quiet time, and move on.
See toddler tantrums.
Positive discipline
Discipline means teaching, not punishing. The AAP’s principles of positive discipline include:
| Principle | What it looks like with a toddler |
|---|---|
| Show and tell | Model calm words and actions; show what to do instead |
| Set limits | A few clear, consistent rules in words your child understands |
| Give consequences | Explain calmly and follow through right away |
| Hear them out | Let your child finish before solving the problem |
| Give attention | Attention encourages the behaviour it is given to |
| Catch them being good | Specific praise: “You put the blocks away!” |
| Know when not to respond | Ignore minor misbehaviour when your child is safe and gets plenty of attention for good behaviour |
| Be prepared | Tell your child what you expect before situations that are often difficult |
| Redirect | Offer a different activity when misbehaviour comes from boredom |
| Time-outs | Warn first, explain briefly, then a short break; a common guideline is about one minute per year of age |
The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children, noting research links physical punishment to more aggression, and that yelling and shaming are ineffective and can harm children’s mental health. ZERO TO THREE likewise lists punishment and shaming, frequent bargaining and demanding apologies from children who do not yet understand among approaches that tend not to help. See positive discipline.
Building emotional regulation
Toddlers learn to manage feelings gradually, with a lot of adult help. ZERO TO THREE suggests showing acceptable ways to let out anger or frustration, such as stomping, jumping or squeezing a cushion, and practising self-control through turn-taking games and pretend play. Books about feelings, a predictable routine and calm modelling all help. See emotional regulation and toddler cooperation.
Looking after yourself
Tantrums are exhausting. The AAP suggests taking a break when your frustration builds, such as handing off to another adult. Sleep, support from friends and family, and realistic expectations make calm responses easier. If you feel overwhelmed or worry that you might hurt your child, put your child somewhere safe and reach out for help.
When to talk to your pediatrician
The AAP notes that tantrums usually improve after age 3, though they do not disappear entirely, and encourages parents to talk with their pediatrician if they are concerned about their child’s behaviour. Raise it, for example, if tantrums seem unusually frequent or intense, if your child hurts themselves or others, if behaviour is getting worse rather than better, or if you have other concerns about development, sleep or language.
Frequently asked questions
Should I ignore tantrums?
Ignoring minor misbehaviour can help when your child is safe and gets plenty of positive attention, according to the AAP. Always step in when there is danger, and stay nearby so your child knows you are there.
Do time-outs work for toddlers?
Short, calm time-outs can be part of positive discipline for older toddlers, following the AAP’s guidance to warn first, explain briefly and keep them short.
Development is covered in toddler development. All behaviour guides are under Behavior and Boundaries.
